Why Does Modern RelationshXps Have an "X" Instead of an "I"?
I’m so glad you asked!
Let me introduce myself. My name is Carol Missel, and I’m the founder of Modern RelationshXps. For years, my dream has been to create a place - online and offline - where people from all walks of life feel welcomed and supported in creating healthy, vibrant relationships. The degree to which our relationships - whether it’s with our partner, our family of origin, chosen family, co-workers, spiritual communities, or even ourselves - are healthy and fulfilling can affect our lives and how we feel about ourselves.
“The quality of our relationships directly determines the quality of our lives.”
We live in a myriad of relationships, and I agree with Esther Perel when she says, “The quality of our relationships directly determines the quality of our lives.”
If our relationships are going well, we feel good about our lives. If there’s an intense struggle, repeated conflict, or hurtful misunderstanding, we feel miserable, regardless of our financial status, health, or societal popularity. Relationships matter - and they directly impact our experience in creating fulfilling, healthy lives.
To create and maintain healthy, vibrant relationships in these modern times is no easy task. I know that because I used to find it challenging to maintain the right balance between taking care of myself and taking good care of my relationships. But I persevered and in doing so, I developed a growing passion for helping other people, like you, create fulfilling, meaningful relationships.
I started Modern RelationshXps with the mission to equip and empower people to create relationships that are healthy, meaningful and fulfilling their desire for connection and love. We do this by offering therapy, coaching, workshops and training, as well as a variety of online resources. As I dream about creating such a place, I have a vision for helping the world become a more loving place for everyone - one relationship at a time.
“Making the world a more loving, healthy place for everyone, one relationship at a time.”
It’s a big undertaking, but it’s totally worth it! I love what I do every day at Modern RelationshXps! The people I meet, the courageous conversations I engage, and the life-changes I witness are worth aiming for this BHAG (“Big Hairy Audacious Goal” - credit to Jim Collins From Good to Great).
With such a BHAG mission and vision, I knew that choosing a name for this place was just as important as the mission itself.
What’s in a Name?
Choosing a name that would encapsulate my mission and vision for a place that empowered relationships was not a small matter. Names carry a lot of meaning.
When I was pregnant and trying to figure out what I wanted to name my child, it was very important to me to not just pick something because I liked the way it sounded - though that was a factor. I also wanted the historical meaning of the name and its association to be relevant as well. My kid was going to hear their name spoken to them probably more than any other word in their life. I wanted a positive, meaningful message coming their way every time they heard it.
Interestingly enough, just like naming my first child, the name for my business came to me quickly, and it just fit. My child’s name would be TJ, and this special place would be named Modern Relationships. But unlike figuring out the spelling for my child’s name, getting to the final version and spelling for this place was a challenging labor of love.
Necessity is the Mother of Invention
For me, the name Modern Relationships just fit, representing well the mission and the focus of our endeavors. I was fully sold on the name. However, as I took on the scrappy work of getting everything in place for starting my little business, I was shocked to discover that taking Modern Relationships online, with a .com location, would cost me $5,000. There was no way I could afford that as I was the primary breadwinner for my family, and I was still paying off my graduate school loans.
For a while, I used www.ModernRelationships.org, and that was fine, but I didn’t want people to think we were a community organization running on grants and donations like most .org websites.
Over time, the price of the .com domain name decreased, and I decided I could afford the investment. Then the unthinkable happened - the name was gone! ModernRelationships.com was not available for purchase. Someone else had already bought it. I must admit - I was upset!
“The Muse - the creative force that brings us inspiration.”
And by this time, Modern Relationships had been in existence for three years, and it was like another child for me. I was ready to take the next step of reaching out to a wider audience, but now I could not use my chosen name. After I got over my initial distress, I recalled a key message from a book I had recently read - Steven Pressfield’s The War of Art, which had been recommended to me by my awesome business coach, Jenny Girl Friday. In this book, he talks about respecting The Muse - the creative force that brings us inspiration. I heeded that advice and went on with my daily life with an open eye for what The Muse might bring my way in resolving this name conflict.
I stayed open, and eventually, the idea came to me to use an “X” to replace the “I.” It was like something just clicked into place, and Modern Relationships was reborn as Modern RelationshXps - with an X. My original dream, Modern Relationships, was now a resurrected version that seemed even “more right” as Modern RelationshXps.
The Value of Inclusivity
The idea of an “X” emerged from seeing more and more groups use the letter as a symbol for gender neutrality and inclusivity. One of the very original values I wrote down for Modern RelationshXps when it was still just a concept was that it would be a place where resources and services would be inclusive of all sexual orientations, gender identity, and relationship configurations.
From my many years of working with couples and families, I felt that 95% of the materials and resources for romantic relationships targeted either heterosexual couples OR LBGTQ relationships but not both. Rarely were relationship advice and resources positioned in a way that included the diversity of orientation and gender identity. If it did, it was often marginalized.
Also, most of the resources for families assumed a heterosexual couple as the primary caretakers, and other versions were often meant to feel second class. As a single mom for some of my life and having lived among neighbors and friends whose families didn’t fit that profile, I knew the feelings of alienation this can create. Families and communities of care happen in a variety of contexts, and all have just as much potential for health and fulfillment.
I wanted Modern RelationshXps to be actively involved in leading our culture to a place where diversity was normalized, and everyone could learn and grow together.
Logos Can be so Cheesy
I had been struggling with coming up with a logo for Modern Relationships since its inception. I played around with hundreds of ideas, and that's not hyperbole. The challenge was figuring out how to represent relationships, love, and health without making it cheesy. Try it - it’s not easy.
Using “X” to replace the “I” gave me a symbol that could be incorporated into the logo. The X brought definition, distinction, and simplicity. It communicated strength and timelessness - a symbol that had been around for millennia. I liked the juxtaposition of timelessness with modern.
Placing a heart at the center communicated that love is at the core of healthy relationships. And that’s true for all relationships. Love can take on many dimensions, but what is consistent is respect and regard for the other person, a desire for them to experience good, and a promotion of well-being.
Playing around with the initials of the name M and R and adding the X gave Modern RelationshXps the template for our logo.
Bylines are a Dime a Dozen
“At the Intersection of Love & Living in The Modern World”
When the name spelling transitioned into Modern RelationshXps, the “X” also helped me narrow down ideas for my byline. There were many reiterations. I played with different phrases and liked most of them, which made it hard to choose one.
Traditionally, an “X” represents a location (X marks the spot!) as well as an intersection (think of a railroad sign). This fit my vision of wanting to create a place where people came together to deal with the intersection of relationships and life in modern times. Thus, the birth of the byline, “At the Intersection of Love & Living in the Modern World.”
The Symbolic Meaning of Focusing on Relationship Instead of the Individual
Now returning to the meaning of a name. Eliminating the “I” is symbolic of eliminating the concept of each of us creating a life of meaning and well-being only as an I - Individual. With a creative eye, an X can also be seen as two Is crossing each other. Thus, replacing the I with an X suggests not valuing the I over the reality of living within the intersection of relationships.
“Each individual has an identify that is inseparable from the relationships we each exist within. ”
Martin Buber refers to this concept as living within the “I-Thou” in his book of the same name. In this book, he presents the idea that each human has their sense of self, an “I” only within the context of being in relationships with other entities. We only have a reference to ourselves by having encounters with others.
As a rabbi, his concept is based on spirituality, but now modern science has proven the concept’s validity. Psychology, biology, anthropology and other sciences are seeing time and time again that everything has an interconnected dependency with other entities. As humans, we only stand as an “I” through the relationships we encounter. We are conceived in an encounter, formed from a continual encounter with our mother in the womb, and birthed into a world of interconnected relationships. Each individual has an identity that is inseparable from the relationships we exist within.
The Final Answer
In the end, Modern RelationshXps is just the right name for this vision and this dream. It “feels just right” in my bones. I know that’s not a very convincing reason, but it’s my final answer.
When my child was born and placed in my arms, their name just spilled from my trembling lips as I kissed their forehead. At that moment, everything in the world “felt just right.” I didn’t think twice about saying their name - it was just who they were to me. Their name doesn’t change how I feel about them, but speaking their name represents the love and intention I have toward them and always will.
In the same way, Modern RelationshXps is “just right”. I honestly can’t imagine ever going back to using an “I.”
Admittedly, not everyone likes the name. Some look at me funny when I tell them my business is “Modern Relationships with an X for the I,” but I think that’s okay. It makes them cock their head to the side and think twice, and often they ask me the same question, “Why the X instead of an I?”
Their curiosity invites me to share my vision of creating a better world, one relationship at a time. This, in turn, becomes an invitation for them to join me and others on this journey of creating intentional relationships, “At the Intersection of Love & Living in the Modern World.”
You’re invited too.
I hope you’ll join us.